Apk + Data

Ive had some interesting experiences as of late. My therapist told me to look her in eye and tell her that I hate her. I dont and the whole situation almost had me in tears. I couldnt do it. She told me if I couldnt tell her that, then I shouldt be saying it to myself. Yeah, I know that, but breaking all the negitive thoughts- the depression monster in my head- is going to be a long hard road. She also wants me to look in the mirror every morning and say "I want to love you". I tried it yesterday. I felt nothing. In fact, it felt kind of like a lie. This is going to be an uphill battle all the way.  I told Amanda I didnt know if I ever would completely love myself or my body. Not when I feel that my body has betrayed me so terribly. 

Speaking of my body. I think I am going to invest in a yoni egg. Im really scared and worried about my pelvic floor. Apart from that I have had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Either my brain doesnt want to shut off or Ive been in too much pain to get comfortable. Needless to say, Ive not been either really sad or down right pissed. With that, Ive also decided that Im not going to wait any longer, it has been three months since surgery and if I am careful with exercise, I should be fine. Im going to do some stuff sitting down and do some core strengthening on the sofa. It will have to be done slow and gently, but I have got to get control of things or Im really going to fall apart. 

Ive placed holds and borrowed several books from the library recently. From Japanese flower arrangement to how to make Kimono and some Japanese cooking, Ive been diving right back into Japan! Part of it is SCA related, Ive finally decided to do a Japanese persona from the Heian period, and part of it is just because I really like Japanese cooking and culture. 

Doing stuff. Last night I wrote out the things that I feel make me happy or that I need to do to make feel successful in a day. I addressed it with Amanda and said I dont need to do these things every day, they can be shifted and changed throughout the week, but they do need to happen. Some things do need to happen every day and those I will be guarding closely. So, today, Im going to work on a weekly base schedule that I can start implementing this coming week. But first, I promised a certain little orange kitty (Thorin) cuddles.